The Rose

A LETTER TO YOU, THE READER, SO THAT YOU CAN FINALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT I’M THINKING.

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THIS MONTH: Being Faithful to the Balance

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Luke 6:46 (NASB), Jesus speaking : ” “Why do you call Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?” “

Luke 18:25 (NASB), Jesus speaking: ” “For it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.” “

Luke 22: 39-46 (NASB): “And He came out and proceeded as was His custom to the Mount of Olives; and the disciples also followed Him. When He arrived at the place, He said to them, “Pray that you may not enter into temptation.” And He withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and He knelt down and began to pray, saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.” Now an angel from heaven appeared to Him, strengthening Him. And being in agony He was prying very fervently; and His sweat became like drops of blood, falling down upon the ground. When He rose from prayer, He came to the disciples and found hem sleeping from sorrow, and said to them, “Why are you sleeping? Get up and pray that you may not enter into temptation.” “

“You can’t talk yourself out of a problem you behaved yourself into.” -Stephen R. Covey

“You are never given a wish without the power to make it come true. You may have to work for it, however.” -Richard Bach

“Action my not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.” -Benjamin Disraeli

Romans 6: 12-19 (NASB), with a focus on verse 13:

“Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

“What then? shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? May it never be! Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness? But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin, you became obedient from the heart to that form of teaching to which you were committed and having been freed from sin, you became slaves of righteousness. I am speaking in human terms because of the weakness of your flesh. For just as you presented you members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness, resulting in further lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness, resulting in in sanctification.”

Jeremiah 29: 12-14: “Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” “

Jeremiah 1: 19 (NASB): “They will fight against you, but they will not overcome you, for I am with you to deliver you,” declares the LORD.

Dear Reader,

It wasn’t until after the fact that I realized I couldn’t stop myself. In fact, in the moment, I was like a runaway train, plummeting to my doom.

I was playing an online flash game today on Andkon Arcade (a website which offers a vast variety of online games for the entertainment [and addition] of its users) called “All that Matters”, an adventure game where the player tries to get a family of five to each level’s exit in the least amount of attempts possible. After beating all 25 levels of the game and the bonus rounds, I even moved on to creating my own level, just to say I conquered it.

The trouble was, I did this at the expense of my other responsibilities. And, five hours later, when I finished playing the game, I was still in my bathrobe.

Needless to say, it was not a proud moment for me. In fact, it’s one that I wish I could take back now.

In fact, in many senses, there are many moments this month I wish I could take back. Here’s the story:

It started in early January when school just came too soon. Then, worn out from Fall semester, I needed my space, but I couldn’t have it.

True, I was given a break, but I spent most of that time working, performing family obligations, and writing for the Oakland Post. Sure, I got like three days of quilt time, but I still felt the pressure. I needed like a week of curling up in my hole minus the pressure.

For me, THAT is vacation: space and privacy, without any pressure. Mmmmm. The joys of just BEING.

I usually take this “just being” time during the first week of January. It used to work out with my schedule perfectly because, every year at Oakland Community College, school didn’t start until January 7th. Also, the holidays were over by January 2nd, which usually meant no one wanted me for anything social anymore. And, so, for 7 days, I got a rare once-a-year opportunity to dig out in my basement, shut the door, and have no one bother me.

It was beautiful, until this year. This year, I went back to school on January 4th and started work at the Post on January 2nd, right after New Year’s Day. This meant I had to do all of my preparations in one day.

This caused the first thing I wish I could take back, because all of these preparations for school didn’t happen in one day. They actually happened in about four days, which completely ran over the beginning of my semester. I took a blow to my confidence for not being prepared, and got in a really horrible fight with my mom over the issue. Again, I was not proud of myself, and, worse, my schedule was off-kilter. The semester had hardly even begun!

Unfortunately, things would get worse, academically, before they got better.

My added responsibilities at the Post were certainly not aiding my academic cause.

Truth be told, I was addicted to my reporting. But, that’s a part of doing something you love, like writing, no? It has the power to become addicting, if you let it. The trick is to not let that writing overtake you, to control you.

My problem: I was loving what I was doing so much that it was overriding everything else. It took me a trip to Seattle and back to realize that I was not at a point in my life where I could let this happen, if at all. There are just other areas of my life which need to happen besides my reporting. And, to have balance in my life, I need to acknowledge those areas and manage them too.

The sweetness of writing for the Post was tainted by this sour realization, and it caused me to hesitate for a moment. What should I do to achieve balance in my life, to manage all these critical areas effectively?

For one, I sought God. And, as Jeremiah said I would, I found Him. I found Him in a positively answered prayer, in a promise He kept to me. Only then was I ready to hear the truth, vividly expressed through the lyrics of “Strong Enough” by Matthew West: “I know I’m not strong enough to be/everything that I’m supposed to be/I give up/I’m not stong enough/Hands of mercy won’t you cover me/Lord right now I’m asking you to be/Strong enough/Strong enough/For the both of us”.

Second, when I realized this, I sought counseling.

Now, if you know me, you will know I’m not a big fan of going to see a psychologist. It’s my personal belief that I do not need to sit there and pay someone to, basically, be my friend. I argue that, if I’m paying them, then they are not really my friend, nor do they truly care about me. Thus, I would prefer to talk to someone who knows me, who can advise me better than the person I don’t know. That person would be a lot better at providing structure to my life, I think.

Nevertheless, despite my reservations about psychologists, I’m adamant about my education. So, for a good cause, and because I believed it was beyond me to handle, I sought someone to help me work it out. After all, if I cannot stop myself by myself, perhaps I need someone to help me put on the brakes.

And, finally, I did not take on any stories this past week. My editors were slightly disgruntled; but, the space, I think, was in order. I needed the time to do homework, exercise, socialize, lifeguard and catch up. I’m still not entirely caught up on homework, but I’m getting there.

The thing which continues to bother, however, is this sense of not being. Instead, I’m being forced into just doing, something which is exhausting to me. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take of this.

I mean, I feel like a kid who is being forced to take his or her medicine. I remember, when I was a kid, pink ear infection medicine was the tastiest, but everything else was just tasted YUCK. My mom would sit there and tell me to take it until, for better or for worse, I made a face and did so. Of course, being sick, I needed the medicine to get better, but who, I thought, in their right mind, actually liked eating the foul-tasting stuff? I certainly did not.

Similarly, just like making medicine taste better, I’m going to need something to make this semester “taste” better. Until that happens, I feel like I will continue to have problems being faithful to my work, a temptation which, as I said earlier, I’m often not strong enough to handle on my own. I think today’s incident with “All that Matters” is evidence of that fact.

I think the point is that I have learned this month about how there are three things which make up a successful balance of my life: respect, space and time [and effective management of that space and time], and commitment. All three affect each other, so no one thing can entirely exist happily without the others.

Thus, I’m prepared to dive into February with this knowledge, and to readily apply myself to it. I do acknowledge the kinks which need to be worked out, but I think I’m prepared to deal with them now. Balance, is and will be the key word… even if it means doing what I don’t want to do anyways. Sigh.

(I mean, there has GOT to be a solution for that foul taste. I know it! But, happiness-the “I want to”- is hewn out by hard work. Therein lies the rub.)

So, if you need me, I will be in the library doing homework. Root for me by praying that I will not fall into temptation because of my weariness. That support: I need it.

And, that’s January folks. Phew! Time surely flies by! That is for sure, indeed. 🙂

Thanks again for reading. See you next month! Also, be sure to check out theoaklandpostonline.com and thisbreathforward89.wordpress.com to see my journalism in action. Byes! ;D

Sincerely, Your Author,

Jessica Anne McLean