The Rose

A LETTER TO YOU, THE READER, SO THAT YOU CAN FINALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT I’M THINKING.

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THIS MONTH: Tickets to Neverland

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Jeremiah 30:17 (N.A.S.B.):

“‘For I will restore you to health And I will heal you of your wounds,’ declares the LORD, ‘Because they have called you an outcast, saying: “It is Zion; no one cares for her.” ‘ “

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Dear Reader,

I’ve decided I don’t want to grow up. And, I wish magic existed. That’s right, I’ve hit the point where I want to move to Neverland. (The trouble is, I can’t fly. 😉 )

I’m considering the move because my November has been a whirlwind of activity. My October seamlessly eased into my November, which is quickly running to get to my December. I’m sure you all know the expression, “time flies when you’re having fun”. Well, “time flies when you’re just plain busy” too.

I feel like I’m a hamster running on a hamster wheel of life. I work all weekend, squeeze in homework when I can (and if I’m not too exhausted to do it), go to school, and then go back to work again. This rat race just does not end.

If I want to do something, I better do it now, or it may not happen later. That’s how crunched for time I feel right now. Escape? Ha! You’re joking, right?

Consequentially, I end up facing my biggest demons every morning: my feelings. The fiercest lion of them all is the feeling of “I don’t want to”. Because, despite having to, I really need a break. I need a day off. I really don’t want to do this anymore.

But, I remember feeling run down and overwhelmed at Taylor too. In that instance, I gave up. At that time, I caved to my desires. And, because I “didn’t want to”, I didn’t pass. I failed academically. So, I promise myself that, this time, I would protect myself. This time is going to be different.

This time, I’m pushing myself. Heave! It’s time to go to class! Ho! Time to go to work! Heave! Time to go to the doctor! Ho! Time to do your chores! HEAVE! Time to do homework! HO! Time to make up your schedule! And, so on. 🙂

I swear though, my biggest vices are watching t.v., playing computer games, and eating chocolate. When it IS time to rest, that’s what you will most likely find me doing. It helps me get by.

The second biggest monster in the pack is loneliness. With all this stuff going on in my life, I’m largely foregoing my social life. And, with a lot of big stuff going on in my close friends’ (and family’s) lives right now, I hear a lot of “leave me alone and go do your own thing”, meaning they simply just don’t have the time to deal with me either right now. The verdict is that my mental health feels as if it’s teetering on the edge of some cliff. I’ve seriously considered the following solutions:

1.  quit work and try to make new friends at school (especially through this Christian group called “Younglife”)
2. sign up for Chemistry.com, lure some man with my charm, and (by whatever means necessary) get a boyfriend to love me
3. go see a psychotherapist/pay someone to solve my problems and to love me
4. quit school and just be there for my friends and family

The problem is, if I want MY life to continue functioning successfully, I have to forego these solutions.

1. Quitting work would mean that I don’t have any money to support myself.
2. Getting a boyfriend would be equivalent to having a baby to fix a troubled marriage; no matter how appealing it sounds, it’s probably a really bad idea right now.
3. Paying to fix the issue just seems shallow to me. Sure, it would fix the problem, but, how much is this costing me again? With that price, they don’t really care about me. They’re just there to listen while I rant and rave about my life.
4. And, quitting school? I can’t. To function in today’s society, I need my bachelor’s degree.

The unfortunate consequence is that I’m still lonely. Maybe the best idea is to just finish school? I honestly don’t know.

The last horrible feeling is worry. The most common worry I have right now is money, which I never seem to have enough of. I mean, HOLY COW! FIFTY DOLLARS for 10 or 11 gallons of gas?!? And I’m paying this on a WEEKLY basis? Aya!!!

I mean, I only make $8 per hour here folks! That’s a whole day of work, right down the nozzle!

And, if I buy lunch or dinner at work or school, that’s another $5 to $10 I’ve spent to try to get by.

Plus, I have to pay for my cat, Shadow. $150 to $300 for vet bills! My paycheck is non-existent.

And, then, I come home and get a whopping boost of confidence from my mother:

“When I was your age, I worked the night shift from 2 p.m. to 1 a.m. every day! At least you don’t have a husband and three children to take care of!”, she hollers at me as she runs out the garage door. “Don’t worry! It’s only going to get harder!”

Thanks, mom.

So, the moral of the story is… does anyone know where I can buy a one way ticket from reality to Neverland? I’d like to get out now. Please. Pretty, pretty, pretty please!

Nevertheless, after all this complaining, I want you to know there is a bright side to all of this. There are fruits to disciplining oneself.

For example, I’m getting good grades- almost straight A’s I believe- and I only have 3 weeks of school to go in this semester. I will wind up with 12 more logged credits, giving me a total of 80 credits after this semester. My gen-eds will be complete, and I will be free to go about pursuing my major, granted that I can figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. Frankly, I have lots of ideas, but making the actual decision is tougher than I realized!

Because I logged all of those hours at work this semester (about 17 to 23 hours per week), I now have a good paycheck to support my schooling. It IS difficult to be at work during most of my spare time (and, I admit, there’s not much money left after spending on school to spare), but there’s not doubt that it’s paying off, literally. And, come to think of it, those hours were unthinkable for me to manage 2 years ago.

Plus, after February, I will have worked at HVP for 2 years. I hope, after all this time, I have established a good reputation with them.

Finally, because of my journalistic involvement, I’ve landed some great opportunities. The one I’m most proud of right now is featured on this homepage, entitled “A Case for Class Cancellation”. This article was published in The Oakland Post (or just “The Post” for short), Oakland University’s weekly student newspaper, the week of the Republican presidential debate (November 9, 2o11), which I also had the honor of attending. The link I’ve featured will guide you to The Post‘s website, where the article originally appeared. When I found out, I was at home and it was 1:30 a.m.; so I had to silently dance around idiotically by myself, praising God all the while.  🙂

The bottom line is that this is now the final stretch… tickets to Neverland or not! Pray for me, friends, that I stick to the race until the finish, honor God, and do not despair. It is harder to live than it appears.

On a final note, Christopher’ Paolini’s final book in the Inheritance cycle, Inheritance, came out this month! If you haven’t already, join me in reading this great tale. I will attempt to make the time to join you! 😉

See you next month! Happy Thanksgiving! Love!

Sincerely, Your Author,

Jessica McLean