Author’s Gab, Reader Talk.
A letter to you, the reader, so that you can finally figure out what I’m thinking.
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This Month: Opening Up my Metamorphasis
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Dear Reader,
From what I’ve read, they say people who have Nonverbal Learning Disorder (N.L.D.) act about “75% of our chronological age” (Murphey 34), meaning that “a 16 year old would act more like she is 12, and a 20 year old would have the emotional capabilities of a typical 15-year-old” (34). While this is not to say that N.L.D. kids don’t ever mature, it does mean that it takes longer than most people. I confess, I also have N.L.D., and, while lifeguarding one day, I began to calculate just exactly how emotionally immature I should be, with the final verdict coming to 15.75 years old, because I’m physically 21. Then, I began to calculate how much I had matured emotionally since last year, and how much I should mature this year. It turns out that I’ve emotionally aged only 0.75 years since turning 20, and I should emotionally age at about the same rate this year, meaning that I age about 0.25 years less per year than the average individual. Thus, it would take me about 1.25 years to, mentally, reach my next emotional age, such as 20 to 21 and so on. To give you some perspective, I will, emotionally, be 18 years old by the time I’m physically 24 years old . But, the point I’m getting at here is that I failed to psychologically age past 15 years old last year, meaning that, 3 months from my 21st birthday, I should (emotionally) turn 16. And, to tell you the truth, I can actually already sense the accelerated change; hence, this is what’s on my mind this month.
So much has already happened this month it’s insane. While September 1 came quietly, it has been hard to keep my head above water with the flurry of activity that followed. I did not end up going to San Francisco, though my Aunt Natalie still says I’m invited if I ever find the time. Instead, I quilted and worked my way through the first few days of September, only pausing for a moment to sleep before embarking on Labor Day weekend. While I kissed my favorite white summer skirt goodbye reluctantly, I exchanged it for exploring the rapids of Pine River in Cadillac, Michigan. For those of you who don’t know what it means to go “up north”, to us southern Michigan natives it means to go to northern Michigan, to the top of the “mitten” (the lower peninsula of Michigan is shaped like a mitten), usually for some hair-brained, away-from-home, outdoorsy adventure… the kind that are so much fun but so hard to explain unless you’ve been there. Also, I had a marvelous surprise on Labor Day itself from my 4 wonderful friends for my belated birthday. We had lunch at Olive Garden, went shopping at Twelve Oaks Mall, and had “champagne” and cupcakes in the mall’s food court. It was so great to see all of them again, and my pride and joy was telling someone we ran into at the mall that we had stayed friends for all of these years; I couldn’t have wanted anything more. I started college again the very next day, as well as a new work schedule, things I’ve been toiling at since then.
But, what’s really caught me off-guard is, as I said, the change that I feel overcoming (fantastic word, eh?) me. For example, I finally accomplished one of my monetary goals for this summer; but, the real change has been internally rather than externally. God has been working on my heart, my insides, and that is really exciting to me.
For one thing, I’ve been working on becoming more confident in my independence. The very fact that it will not hurt me to do things alone is something that I’ve been feeling better about, accepting, if you will, since I turned 21. I now realize that the room I have in my parent’s house will not last forever, and I need to continue to work on the necessary steps to move into my own apartment and pick a career. Remember what I said about N.L.D. development? Well, I feel exactly like an almost 16 year old who is trying to figure out who she is, what she likes, what she wants for herself, and what she’s going to give back to the God and the world that so wonderfully supports her existence. For example, in discovering parts of me, it feels good to know that my gifts and talents are worth it, such as quilting, writing, drawing, or playing guitar or piano. Yet, at the same time, I’m questioning how I can use these things to give back to God and to others for supporting me, and I’ve discovered how I’ve lost faith that any of these things might make a decent paycheck one day. But, of course, that’s all part of the process.
Spiritually, God has been teaching me about mercy. Mercy is something that has been given to us by God through Jesus Christ as a great pardon for the things we rightly deserve justice for. Mercy is also something that, because it has freely been given to us, we must also freely extend it to others. Remember that passage about turning the other cheek? That’s mercy. That’s forgiveness. That’s love. Thus, if I pardon, forgive, my neighbor, regardless of the offense, I freely say to them that, because God has also equally pardoned me, like you, of my sin, whatever they have done to me is ok. Perhaps you do not think they deserve such forgiveness, but who made you God? No one has, because only God is God, the Great I Am, and that’s whose opinion really counts. Thus, forgive your neighbor in your heart. Trust me, I won’t go into the details, but it’s changing my life. Enough said.
Thus, as my N.L.D. brain goes through the metamorphasis of turning 16, I’m sort of sitting back and enjoying growing up. I’m opening myself up to so many new possibilites, tearing down old walls, and exploring and embracing the new turf to come. In a way, life is good, but in others, it’s better than before. I mean, I wouldn’t say life is fabulous; in fact, it’s perfectly normal. But, what makes me really happy is to see all the small and big miracles God is doing, working, in my life right now. And, that, I think, is another kind of development altogether.
Keep reading! Keep writing! More to come later!
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Sincerely, your author,
Jessica A. McLean
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Works Cited:
Murphey, Michael Brian. NLD From the Inside Out. La Verge: Booklocker.com, 2010.
The Rose 